Hey Mom, honestly I'm struggling right now. I prayed for trials earlier this year and I'm starting to think that that was a mistake. Yesterday was a good Sunday, I felt better about things after it, but these last few weeks have been really hard and now I'm getting a companion who doesn't like me. I'm trying to have a positive attitude about things, but that turns into not writing about what's going on in my life. I haven't been sleeping well for the last 4 weeks. I lie in bed and just sit there till around 2-3 in the morning, and somehow I finally fall asleep. and I'm not the best waker-upper either. So my average wake up time is between 10-11. Its this constant cycle of failure and I don't know what to do. My alarm clock goes off, and I don't even hear it, mom. and my companion, on top of it all, is a lazy spoiled fetch, and while he is a nice enough guy, just gets under my skin. I'm beaten down and tired and unmotivated. I'm in an area that is 85% members and not a lot of them are good missionaries. they have small town pettiness mastered, but are good people all the same. my only highlight in my life are the few people that we are teaching, the sacrament, and that I get to lift every night. that's about it. I'm just doing the best I can mom, but its hard. I'm just glad I'm almost done, and I hate that I'm looking forward to it so much. Its just been a really difficult 9 months and I feel like for the most part I've barely kept my head above water. I'm definitely not coming home because of this. a lot of me still wants to be here. I'm just struggling finding the love of the work and the motivation. I'm worried I might be depressed as a chemical response to the recent stress I've been under, but I'm just doing my best. Don't worry, none of this is affecting my testimony or my conversion. I just feel like a crappy missionary. I was praying for a good, strong comp who would help me get out of this seemingly never-ending haze, but now I have a guy who I'm supposed to strengthen and work hard with. I'm just going to give it my best and keep moving forward. can you see why I haven't wanted to necessarily share what I'm going through? not very resounding and testimony building stuff to read. I'm just a normal guy who is trying to do the best I can, and right now, my best just doesn't seem adequate, or even mediocre. This is the hardest thing I have ever put myself through, and even now I don't regret a moment. I just wish I was better than I am. Anyways, I will keep yall in my prayers, I know the Lord will make things happen the way they are supposed to.
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